BYU vs Utah game preview: the Holy War's pregame grocery list is expensive

The 2024 BYU vs. Utah Holy War.

As we all expected in the preseason, this game will feature one undefeated Big 12 favorite and one .500 squad fighting for bowl eligibility. As none of us expected, however, it would be the Cougars led by Jake Retzlaff who own an 8-0 record and a top-10 spot in the College Football Playoff rankings.

These two teams arrive at the rebirth of the inter-conference Holy War on completely different trajectories. BYU is on an 8-win streak on a collision course with the Big 12 championship game, while the Utes are falling down the stairs while simultaneously vomiting on themselves, losing four straight games to bottom-dwelling Arizona, Houston, and TCU, while fitting in a Cam Skattebo drubbing for good measure.

Yet, as the Cougars are favored in a road game with all the momentum in the world to their back, a feeling of dread always clouds this matchup, regardless of each team's resume.

Sure, the Utes' offense has been unbelievably horrible over the course of the season, to the point that Isaac Wilson, the second-string quarterback, was benched against a horrid Houston team, and offensive coordinator Andy Ludwig decided to take the fall on behalf of his stagnant offense and resign.

BYU, meanwhile, is thriving under quarterback Jake Retzlaff, who seemed to be the worst quarterback in a power conference last season, before breaking out as one of the best in 2024. The Cougars' run game is finally clicking with dominant performances against Oklahoma State and UCF in subsequent weeks.

Not to mention a turnover-forcing, offense-stopping, fantastic defense with Jay Hill at the head that should project to outperform that of TCU, Houston, and Arizona in this weekend's duel.

But the Holy War doesn't play by your rules, so throw everything you thought you knew about these two programs into the Sarlacc pit--this battle is for keeps and everything is on the line.

Each team is searching for something--anything--that could give them the edge over their in-state rival. And in their final preparations, Cosmo and Swoop are heading to the supermarket to gather supplies that could provide their team with the right stuff to succeed on Saturday.

Here's what these rivals scratched on their grocery lists.

BYU vs. Utah Game Preview Grocery List:

Cosmo's Grocery List:

100 Cougar Tails - if you want to win, then fuel like a winner. This season, no one is winning in the Big 12 like the Cougs, and you are what you eat.

1 box of Wheaties - The Breakfast of Champions should provide BYU with the perspective and motivation to give this game all they have, as this may be the greatest challenge left on the Cougars' schedule, barring a Big 12 championship appearance.

10 tickets to this weekend's game - Rice-Eccles will be hostile this weekend, with the rebirth of the conference championship and the memory of BYU's streak-snapping win in their last meeting. The more blue in the stands, the better.

Gorilla Glue and a laser sight - hold onto the football and make sure every pass attempt is on target. BYU can't afford to lose the turnover battle in this game. Play smart, play sound.

1 Gatorade Cooler - while holding refreshing beverages for BYU's sideline, it could also serve as a weapon if Utah's quarterbacks start rolling. The cooler will likely serve as an intimidation tactic if Cam Rising somehow returns.

Swoop's Grocery List:

1 pair of running spikes - Utah needs to dominate on the ground to stay in this game, so give Micah Bernard these running spikes and the keys to the offense.

Uno Card Game, discarded except for the skip and reverse cards - This team needs to flip the script in this one, forcing BYU turnovers and skipping the Cougars' chances to grow a lead.

1 "My First Exorcism" kit - Isaac Wilson has struggled mightily while leading this Utah offense, and the Utes' best hope of getting something going through the air is to expel their young QB's demons and replace his spirit with that of his brother, Zach.

1 12-pack of Haterade - This is a rivalry game, and the Utes have made their feelings about BYU abundantly clear. Use your passion, channel your hatred, and punch the Cougars in the mouth.

1 bottle of Felix Felicis, or "Liquid Luck" - the drinker of this Harry Potter-born potion will find success in all their endeavors. The Utes could use all the liquid luck that Smith's holds in its inventory.

What do you mean, Smith's doesn't carry luck potions?

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