Welcome to Memoirs from the Mount, a weekly adventure through the twisting catacombs of my ever-decaying stream of consciousness. From the solitary peak of Mount Fuji to the cascading slopes of Mount Timpanogos, I'm sending a telegram of my perspective on current events surrounding BYU athletics.
"...SO I MAKE MY WAY through the cotton candy Stanford forest, around the chocolate syrup harbor in East Carolina, and waddle into the cuddly embrace of a buffalo in Boulder Candy, Colorado!"
"Careful," I'm gently reminded. "You drew a green card, so your journey goes through the grumpy, stumpy Vikings in Portland. Don't worry, they're a bunch of softies, you'll be just fine."
Candyland is a stupid game. There are no points. There is no strategy. It's an all-out, cross-your-fingers-and-pray dash to the final destination of Candy Castle (Sidebar: Have you ever wondered why Candy Castle was made out of ice cream instead of candy? I'm starting to wonder what's really going on in there!).
Still, despite being a brain-dead affair, Candyland has stood the test of time. That's because it has its audience. It serves its purpose. Its theming is, admittedly, pretty strong. Candyland is a game for children. Children too young to understand the complex military strategy of Risk. Too irresponsible to settle the harsh wilderness of Catan. Too uneducated to perform full-body surgery in Operation. Too naive to understand that we can't all be friends, and that money is the only thing you can actually trust in the backbiting culture of hyper-capitalist Monopoly.
No, children need games like Candyland to teach them the basics. They need the stepping stones and a foundation upon which they can safely and comfortably develop critical skills for life in this world.
BYU has a true freshman receiving snaps this year. One of the least experienced players shouldering the most important role on a team with tantalizing potential. The college game isn't the same as high school. Defenses become more complicated. Athletes are faster, smarter, and stronger. Every contest matters that much more. It's a great deal of pressure for one so young.
Fortunately, BYU's youngster faces a Candyland-esque schedule to open the season, and that could pay off huge dividends as the schedule strength turns up the heat as the year progresses.
Portland State was a cakewalk (does that still count as a Candyland reference? I'm getting lost at this point). The Cougars were let loose on a team that was outmatched in every aspect of the game. The offensive line devastated everything in its path. LJ Martin ran for over 100 yards in just one half of play. Bachmeier, in his first official on-field appearance under the Wasatch Mountain Range, lit up the stunned Vikings to the tune of 49-0 by halftime. Domination in every sense.
An excellent start, to be certain, and it sparked plenty of excitement over what else BYU's young signal caller was capable of between the sidelines. But it would be premature to suggest that week one was much of a "test" for Bachmeier.
On Saturday, Bear squares off with the Stanford Cardinal, a Power Four squad by definition only. His former team will likely be the recipients of pure brutality on grass. Despite an opposition that is stronger, smarter, and faster than the week previous, the Cardinal are a pitiful program as of late and should be disposed of swiftly in LES.
Next comes his first road appearance in a battle with... East Carolina. The Cougars' last trip to Greenville, North Carolina, was in the midst of a dark age for the BYU football program. The team lost 33-17 on ECU's soil in a year that only saw four wins stacked against a heinous nine losses. The following season, BYU dropped one at home to the Pirates. In fact, these two teams' all-time record favors ECU 2-1. This year's team is 1-0, fresh off a win against NC State and an 8-5 2024 campaign. This year, does BYU finally have enough to get that eyepatch-donning monkey off its back?
With enough preparation -- like a bye week, as a completely random example -- BYU should comfortably exit North Carolina standing 3-0 before entering the Big 12 slate. The Good Ship Lollipop is scheduled to sail through Provo, Utah, after three weeks of competition, with Bear Bachmeier as the bold and brave captain of the sweet Cougar crew.
If ever there were a Candyland stroll through a freshman quarterback's first taste of college football experience, BYU has it in its non-conference schedule. Kalani Sitake couldn't ask for a better tune-up for an inexperienced QB.
So let us give thanks for the magnificent blessing of an easy non-conference slate.
Calvin Barrett is a writer, editor, and prolific Mario Kart racer located in Tokyo, Japan. He has covered the Utah Jazz and BYU athletics since 2024.