Ok, I'll confess. I've been thinking about Mario Kart a lot recently. You pryed it out of me -- I hope you're happy.
With the recent announcement of Mario Kart World on the aptly-named successor to the popular Nintendo Switch (Nintendo Switch 2), the racing world has been set ablaze in mindless frenzy for the sequel to the greatest Mario Kart game ever conceived, and therefore the greatest game of all time.
So, as the reservoir of knowledge that I am, I believe it's the proper moment to hit the starting lights and illuminate the burning questions in the heart of every BYU football fan: which racer would significant faces on the Cougars' football team select for a winner-takes-all race of Mario Kart?
Okay, maybe not every BYU football fan is absolutely dying to obtain this knowledge, but certainly every individual who joins me in the overlap of the pigskin and burning rubber Venn Diagram. Start your engines, you newly discovered niche, and let's take off down this road toward the most important question in all of human history.
Who would BYU Football Players Pick in a Mario Kart Race?
Jake Retzlaff - Mario
The quarterback, leader, and face of the organization, Jake Retzlaff would resonate with Mario's mojo. The portly Italian-American plumber from Long Island has always grabbed the spotlight in his franchise of games (hence the name Mario Kart), and while he may not be the flashiest pick on the roster, Retzlaff recognizes a kindred spirit when he sees one.
An all-around racer, Mario and Retzlaff won't burn the competition with their speed, but will light up the scoreboard if given the chance. Though I wouldn't expect Retzlaff to give us a "Mamma Mia!" any time soon.
Kalani Sitake - Donkey Kong
Donkey Kong is the embodiment of power in the Mario Kart universe, and Coach's fullback background will certainly reflect in his decision to link up with this great ape. Bruising, imposing, and making his presence known around the track, DK and KS will knock their competition from the track and into a bottomless pit. Let them build enough momentum, and there may be no way to ever slow them down.
The key similarity between these two however, despite their size and strategy, is their sportsmanship never falters, win or lose. Unlike Bowser, another heavyweight option, the Kong clan is actually invited to join in the princess' endless celebrations, and there's a good reason for that.
LJ Martin - Toad
Haircut aside, there are plenty of reasons to link these two for a Mario Kart outing. Toad, the tiny and slippery speedster is capable of hitting the holes and launching ahead of the competition. Weaving between his adversaries, the shrieking toadstool is a popular choice for players who will end you if you let your guard down.
Martin, as the lead rusher and head of the ground game snake, will look to get ahead and stay ahead early.
Chase Roberts - Waluigi
I mean this as no offense to the Cougars' lead receiver, but he and Waluigi often evoke similar emotions in their competitors. Tall, long, and constantly doing just enough to keep his operation, well, operational, when Waluigi beats you, it fills you with rage. Chase Roberts will get his highlight right over your head at the moment when you least expected.
Maybe it's time Chase runs with the 'stache?
Jack Kelly - Yoshi
Though I'd love to link Kelly to his Newsie counterpart, I don't think I've seen Jeremy Jordan on any Mario Kart roster. Yoshi will have to do. A fan favorite and exceptional athlete, Kelly struck fear in the heart of every quarterback unfortunate enough to square off against his merciless pursuit. Yoshi is friendly and cuddly on the outside, but make no mistake, he's heading home with the gold and a taste for more.
The others never stood a chance.
Which players did I miss, and who would they take in a winner-takes-all Mario Kart Tournament?