"Such wealth can corrupt any spirit, no matter how valiant," bemoaned All-Conference guard, Richie Saunders to local reporter, April Fuulstein.
Richie Saunders, the prince and rightful heir to the Ore-Ida tater tot throne, cashed in on a standout season with BYU basketball during the 2024-25 season. He delivered a decadent stat line of 16.5 points, 4.5 rebounds, and 2.0 stocks (that's steals and blocks combined into one arbitrary defensive statistic) all wrapped up with a golden bow of 43% shooting from long range on the year.
A beloved figure and representative of the BYU basketball program, Saunders has been the bright-eyed, smiley beacon of head coach Kevin Young's blossoming system in Provo. Having earnedAll-Big 12 First Team honors as a junior with the Cougars, the player who was once pigeon-holed as a hustling glue-guy became a bonafide national star in his third year.
But in the modern age of NIL money, even the very finest among us can become warped into something wicked, tyrannical, and unrecognizable. As Richie Saunders' emergence as the tater tot king was made public knowledge, his status in Utahn communities has become pseudo-deified.
"You earn a little bit of money and all of a sudden, you're not allowed to throw your weight around?" an exasperated Saunders exclaimed in an interview with reporter April Fuulstein.
Saunders reportedly began arriving to practice carried on an ancient palanquin by four male cheerleaders, tossing scraps of tater tots at their feet as payment.
Rumors suggest that Saunders demanded that those in the program refer to him as King Richard. During home games, Richie has been found lounging at his locker as his personal servants would hand-feed grapes, wave palm leaves to cool him down, and even play soothing harp music -- those close to the situation didn't seem to mind the serenade.
"I thought someone told me that Richie -- er, Richard -- bought a new Mustang with his NIL deal," said Fousseyni Traore, Saunders' senior teammate. "Imagine my surprise when I saw him ride out of practice on a literal horse."
Stories and accusations continued to leak through the woodwork as Saunders' social standing grew to a legendary level.
"He tried to walk right into the governor's office -- no appointment, no clearance, no nothing," shared the security detail at the state capitol building of an encounter with the hoops star. "When I stopped him, he just stared at me, lowered his sunglasses and said: 'Do you know who I am? You do not talk to me like that.' and kept on walking! The nerve!"
Even Saunders' closest friendships were beginning to be damaged thanks to his recent antics. Be it verbal exchanges, social functions, or even his attire.
"That headband he started wearing this season?" shared teammate Trevin Knell, "during practices, he's been wearing a laurel wreath instead. I don't even know how he managed to get one. At least it's not a toga."
As the month of April begins, it can be easy to be caught up in the silliness and chaos of the season. The transfer portal is officially open, and BYU's star is rumored to be seeking a payday of "over $100 million billion" to retain his services under threat of a transfer.
Saunders was once a beacon of hope in his community, but a break of inherited monarchy has soiled even the best among us.
NIL's wicked ways have claimed another victim. This April 1st, let us remember what is truly important: the friends we make along the way, not the money.